Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Reconciling Two Sexual Identities

I am a heterosexual cis man. Since I was a young boy, it was very clear that I was attracted to women. From the moment I hit puberty I fantasized about all manner of sexual contact with the female sex. As I grew older, I developed productive romantic and sexual relationships exclusively with women. When I imagine myself having sex, I can only picture myself having sex with women, and in fact the very idea of having sexual contact with a man feels viscerally repulsive to even imagine. I am very much exclusively a heterosexual man.

It seems blatantly contradictory, then, to admit that I also fantasize about sucking on a penis until I swallow the semen. 

To clarify: I am not bisexual. I have never looked at a man and found him attractive, or wanted at all to be sexually involved with any specific man I’ve ever seen or met.

The key is that when I fantasize about having sex as myself, I am purely heterosexual. However, there is another, distinct part of my identity that fantasizes about heterosexual sex as a woman. I fantasize about being a woman who has sex with men despite the fact that I have never once even vaguely been interested in having sex with men as myself.

Felix Conrad has written about the notion of the “faceless man”, that while I fantasize about having sex with men as a woman, the man has no specific identity and is only a vehicle through which to express my feminine sexual identity. 

There is quite a bit of discussion in the crossdreaming community around arousal at the idea of being penetrated vaginally. While I too have these fantasies, oftentimes my fantasies take on that of being a woman giving a blowjob. I want to explore the possible significance of that specific arousal.

In my fantasy, I am a woman (usually a blonde), on my knees, performing fellatio on a man. I see the specificity of being on my knees as significant: it underscores the submissiveness of the act, the ceding of dominance to another. However, unlike being on my back being vaginally penetrated, sucking a penis is still active rather than passive. While giving a blowjob, while I have ceded control, I am still an active participant in a feminine act rather than a mere object of the male sexual gaze. Perhaps this is why while I often fantasize about giving head as a woman, I rarely fantasize about getting eaten out by a man. Perhaps the driver of this fantasy is in the performance of a feminine act, rather than merely being a woman passively. 

Another key aspect of this fantasy is that typically, I am clothed, still wearing a cocktail dress or blouse. Often, in this fantasy I am specifically wearing a necklace and earrings, as well as lipstick or lipgloss. This is probably to underscore my femininity, and to differentiate it in my head from homosexual desire: that I am a woman sucking a penis; the idea of sucking a penis as a man is repulsive to me. I am specifically aroused by fantasizing about the sensation of my earrings swinging back and forth as I perform oral sex, by having to brush my long hair out of my face, my manicured hands holding the shaft in place while I suck, and by my lipstick or lip gloss smudging the shaft. All of these things, to me, highlight the femininity of the act, and place me into a distinctively female role.

In these fantasies, I often specifically imagine swallowing semen, or a man ejaculating on my face, clothes, or breasts. I think this may stem from the position of subservience; that the man in the fantasy has dominated me. 

Perhaps this desire comes from the idea of wanting to be validated as a woman. In our culture, unfortunately, perhaps the thing most validating of one’s femininity is being the object of sexual desire in the male gaze. When considering why I have never been attracted to men, yet become aroused by the idea of being a woman being penetrated vaginally or giving fellatio, I think this hypothesis is almost certainly correct.

In my mind, I essentially have two separate, complete distinct tracks for sexual desire: heterosexual fantasies of my real male self having sex with women, and heterosexual fantasies of a hypothetical female self having sex with men. They are completely separate and yet both exist, side by side, within my mind. An interesting consequence of this: when I see an attractive woman who might trigger a fantasy, I cannot predict whether I will fantasize about wanting to have sex with her, or wanting to have sex as her. They occur in approximately equal amounts.

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I seem to have two, completely separate sexual identities running in parallel in my brain.

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this.

    I have looked into the research on cis women's sexual fantasies, for the sake of comparison.

    MTF crossdreamers have a tendency of thinking of the kind of fantasies you describe as abnormal and even perverted. Still, the studies of female sex fantasies tells me that all such fantasies are also found among non-transgender women.

    For instance: The use of the "faceless man" as a sex prop in fantasies – which Blanchard and his followers take as proof of MTF crossdreaming being a misdirected straight male sexuality – is actually quite common among cis women who are attracted to men.

    See my post What the sexual fantasies of non-transgender people tells us about the dreams of those who are trans for more.

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  2. This sounds so like what i have going on i love having sex with a woman but i also amagine myself as a woman having sex with a male but i do crossdress cause i enjoy filling like a feminine female but i am a male that wishes i can become mtf and then i can be a woman with a man i wonder how i can get my brain tested to see if i have half of a male brain and half of a female brain advice please on how i can get this check out

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