Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Reconciling Two Sexual Identities

I am a heterosexual cis man. Since I was a young boy, it was very clear that I was attracted to women. From the moment I hit puberty I fantasized about all manner of sexual contact with the female sex. As I grew older, I developed productive romantic and sexual relationships exclusively with women. When I imagine myself having sex, I can only picture myself having sex with women, and in fact the very idea of having sexual contact with a man feels viscerally repulsive to even imagine. I am very much exclusively a heterosexual man.

It seems blatantly contradictory, then, to admit that I also fantasize about sucking on a penis until I swallow the semen. 

To clarify: I am not bisexual. I have never looked at a man and found him attractive, or wanted at all to be sexually involved with any specific man I’ve ever seen or met.

The key is that when I fantasize about having sex as myself, I am purely heterosexual. However, there is another, distinct part of my identity that fantasizes about heterosexual sex as a woman. I fantasize about being a woman who has sex with men despite the fact that I have never once even vaguely been interested in having sex with men as myself.

Felix Conrad has written about the notion of the “faceless man”, that while I fantasize about having sex with men as a woman, the man has no specific identity and is only a vehicle through which to express my feminine sexual identity. 

There is quite a bit of discussion in the crossdreaming community around arousal at the idea of being penetrated vaginally. While I too have these fantasies, oftentimes my fantasies take on that of being a woman giving a blowjob. I want to explore the possible significance of that specific arousal.

In my fantasy, I am a woman (usually a blonde), on my knees, performing fellatio on a man. I see the specificity of being on my knees as significant: it underscores the submissiveness of the act, the ceding of dominance to another. However, unlike being on my back being vaginally penetrated, sucking a penis is still active rather than passive. While giving a blowjob, while I have ceded control, I am still an active participant in a feminine act rather than a mere object of the male sexual gaze. Perhaps this is why while I often fantasize about giving head as a woman, I rarely fantasize about getting eaten out by a man. Perhaps the driver of this fantasy is in the performance of a feminine act, rather than merely being a woman passively. 

Another key aspect of this fantasy is that typically, I am clothed, still wearing a cocktail dress or blouse. Often, in this fantasy I am specifically wearing a necklace and earrings, as well as lipstick or lipgloss. This is probably to underscore my femininity, and to differentiate it in my head from homosexual desire: that I am a woman sucking a penis; the idea of sucking a penis as a man is repulsive to me. I am specifically aroused by fantasizing about the sensation of my earrings swinging back and forth as I perform oral sex, by having to brush my long hair out of my face, my manicured hands holding the shaft in place while I suck, and by my lipstick or lip gloss smudging the shaft. All of these things, to me, highlight the femininity of the act, and place me into a distinctively female role.

In these fantasies, I often specifically imagine swallowing semen, or a man ejaculating on my face, clothes, or breasts. I think this may stem from the position of subservience; that the man in the fantasy has dominated me. 

Perhaps this desire comes from the idea of wanting to be validated as a woman. In our culture, unfortunately, perhaps the thing most validating of one’s femininity is being the object of sexual desire in the male gaze. When considering why I have never been attracted to men, yet become aroused by the idea of being a woman being penetrated vaginally or giving fellatio, I think this hypothesis is almost certainly correct.

In my mind, I essentially have two separate, complete distinct tracks for sexual desire: heterosexual fantasies of my real male self having sex with women, and heterosexual fantasies of a hypothetical female self having sex with men. They are completely separate and yet both exist, side by side, within my mind. An interesting consequence of this: when I see an attractive woman who might trigger a fantasy, I cannot predict whether I will fantasize about wanting to have sex with her, or wanting to have sex as her. They occur in approximately equal amounts.

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I seem to have two, completely separate sexual identities running in parallel in my brain.